


Oh my Gackt

by Siseja



Category: Jrock
Genre: ? - Freeform, Crack, Humor, I'm not even sure anymore, Lots of mango, M/M, Mango, More mango, foot massager, just loads of crack, some nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 23:08:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siseja/pseuds/Siseja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bands all over Tokyo and even beyond are horrified when they one morning wake up to discover they've been visited by a fruit thief in the night</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh my Gackt

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this lying around some other places for a while and decided i might as well post it on AO3. 
> 
> thanks to DaiDai for writing the D'espairsRay part

It started today, like any other day, with the usual occurrence of Hikaru not being able to find his glasses. 

"Ibuki, scoot so I can look under your pillow" he ordered his sleeping fellow guitarist, poking him with Minase's drumstick. Ibuki groaned as he was poked out of his delicious dream about eating a sardine-and-peanut sandwich, and finally opened his eyes to glare and the blond. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he grumbled "and for Gackt's sake stop that!" the brunette gestured towards the drumstick, which was still being repeatedly poked into his thigh. 

"Gackt?" Hikaru tilted his head questioningly. 

"Don't ask" 

"Right then" the blonde proceeded with looking under the lead guitarist's pillow. "They're not there" he concluded 

"What's not there? AND STOP POKING ME WITH THAT DRUMSTICK ALREADY! You shouldn't even be touching that thing, you never know what Minase's done with it and where it's been" 

Hikaru made a slight face of disgust and dropped the drumstick on top of Ibuki's head and the other grunted in annoyance. 

"Hey, we're out of mango!" they heard the vocalist's groggy morning voice call from the kitchen. "How am I supposed to be able to make a Mango Lemon Banana split for breakfast when we don't have any mango?" 

"You'll have to do with what we have then. Some guy stole all the mangoes this morning as I was looking for my glasses" Hikaru called back, and Ibuki felt the urge to facepalm. 

"Hikaru…" 

"Yeah?" 

"You don't use glasses" 

 

\--- 

 

"Oh good morning princess, how was your night? Did you sleep well?" 

"I slept very well, thank you, but I'm afraid I was woken up unusually early this morning by some noises I heard from the kitchen." 

"Oh but that's terrible! A princess must get his beauty sleep. Should I try to make room for some time to rest in between our schedule?" 

"Thank you, I really appreciate the concern, but I'm wide awake now, as you can see, and I do not think I will need much more rest and-" 

"Do you guys have to put that act up EVERY morning after you've slept together? It's fairly easy to see through, you know, even Teru knows what's going on by now!" Yuki interrupted Hizaki, and Kamijo gave him a glare that clearly said "Shut the fuck up… in the most elegant way possible, of course." 

Just that moment SiSeN decided to barge into Versailles' living room with a loud "YAAHOOO!!!" followed by Seileen on a leash. 

"GOOD MORNING GOOD PEOPLE!" he cheered, gave Hizaki a hug, then disappeared off into Teru's bedroom. 

"… and I wish they would stop doing that every time too" Yuki muttered. They could hear a lot of giggling, then a sleepy protest as SiSeN and Seileen emerged from the bedroom, dragging a half-naked and drowsy Teru after them. 

"We come in peace!" SiSeN exclaimed. "But just in case you decide to become violent, I'll be keeping this little sweety hostage" he hugged Teru possessively, ignoring the younger's protests. 

"What brings you here?" Kamijo asked formally 

"We're investigating a series of murders and rape cases, and we need your help" Seileen replied, as SiSeN seemed to be too busy poking Teru's cheek. 

"If you're asking if we want to play Schotland Yard with you again, then the answer is no, we have a busy schedule, despite what Kamijo here claims whenever it comes to his dear beloved princess" Yuki said dismissively 

SiSeN's pout would've been adorable if it wasn't for the fact that he was currently sneaking his hand down into the pjama pants of a squirming and panicking Teru… well, Seileen still found it adorable. 

"Hey guys, what happened to the basket of mangoes we had standing on the kitchen counter?" Masashi asked as he stepped through the door, followed by the loving spirit of Jasmine, and halted at the sight of the scene in front of him. "Uhm… what's going on here?" 

"Teru's being molested" Hizaki replied nonchalantly. 

 

\--- 

 

"Such a peaceful morning" Bou thought to himself as he fetched himself a bowl or cereal and read the latest news about Kanon's cellphone game. He may have quit the band, but he sure as hell wasn't gonna fall behind, even when they were on hiatus. 

Just then he felt the familiar prickling feeling of being watched and lifted his gaze. He was met by a pair of sunglasses and a fuzzy wig and felt cold shivers run down his spine. 

"Yuuki, why did you have to leave that dang wig in the kitchen? It's creeping me out!" Bou complained. 

"Because if I left here, it would be creeping ME out!" the keyboardist muttered sleepily from the living room couch. 

"But it's YOUR wig!" 

"Yeah, and that makes it even more uncomfortable!" 

Bou sighed and, having lost his appetite for the time being, left the kitchen. Anything to get away from that wig. 

"Remind me about why exactly you guys are staying at my place again, will you?" the ex-guitarist sighed as he entered the living room and was met by the sight of Yuuki, Takuya and Miku all lying sprawled across the room. 

"Because we were kicked out of Kanon's apartment, since he's gonna travel the world… without us" Miku pouted as though he'd been abandoned. 

"And why don't you just go home to your own apartments?" 

"the fangirls found them" 

Just then, they heard a loud noise from the kitchen, and then a blonde man came running though the living room carrying a dozen of mangoes and with Teruki clinging to his pant-leg and being dragged across the floor. One second he was there, the other he'd jumped out of a window and just the memory remained. 

"…. What was that?" Takuya asked, his eyes huge 

"…I have…no idea" Bou replied 

"OH MY GACKT HE TOOK TERUKI!" Miku howled 

"….Gackt?" 

"Don't ask" 

 

\--- 

 

Kyo was fast asleep, dreaming about torturing a couple of Kpop-tards with needles, barbwire and Kaoru's morning breath, and then shoving maggots down their throats. He was sleeping so deeply he didn't even shift when three mangoes where removed from beneath his pillow. 

 

\--- 

 

"First, I want to thank you guys for being able to come on such short notice." Kai started cheerfully from his end of the table, the whole band having gathered in the meeting room. "Second, I have to show my gratitude to Aoi for remembering to bring an extra pair of pjamas pants in case Uruha was sleeping naked. Highly appreciated" 

Aoi yawned and Uruha shoot Kai and annoyed glare. 

"Last, I want to ask if Ruki and Reita would please keep their hands and mouths off each other when I'm talking…come on…yeah like that… good, thank y-" 

"Can't you just cut all this and tell us why you ordered an emergency meeting at frikkin 8am in the morning?" Uruha boke Kai off, and the rest of the band nodded agreeingly. 

Aoi yawned again. 

"It's just a half hour earlier than you'd have to show up anyway" Kai muttered with a pout. 

"A half hour earlier equals one round less of sex" Reita grumbled, sticking his hand firmly down Ruki's pants again. 

Kai blushed and fumbled with his drumsticks. "Well, the reason why I've called you all here is because of the upcoming event that our dear friend Miyavi and his wife is having another baby and I thought we should all-" 

"Oh, you gotta be KIDDING me!" Ruki growled. "You deny me morning sex just because of some baby? You KNOW I hate babies!" 

Aoi yawned again. 

Kai looked down at the table. "I just thought we should each prepare a gift and show our appreciation. It's the right thing to do, right?" 

"Please! You're just wanting to convince him into dropping Melody off from a bridge and take you back. We all know, there's no use trying to hide it." Uruha grumbled. 

Kai blushed deeper. "Look, I- 

A man carrying a whole bunch of mangoes barged into the meeting room and then out the other door before they'd even had time to as much as blink. 

"Was that…. Teruki from Antic Café clinging to his leg?" Ruki asked 

"HEY! He stole my mangoes! I need those to make a cake for Miyavi!" Kai whimpered. 

"Uhm… guys?" Uruha hesitated. "I think Aoi fell asleep" 

 

\--- 

 

Kanon grabbed his cellphone as it started to play Duck No Magical Adventure. 

"Moshi moshi?" 

"Kanon! This is Miku. We need you! Teruki's been kidnapped and-" 

"For the last time, I'm not giving you the key to my apartment" Kanon cut the other off with a sigh and then hung up with a "Have a good day". 

He froze as he turned back to his breakfast. 

…  
Hadn't that fruit basked contained a mango just two minutes ago? 

 

\--- 

 

"Zero... How many times must we tell you? No taping Tsukasa to the mic stand during a performance!" 

"Bu- But! He was so obviously enjoying it, and it sent the fangirls nuts!" 

"Yeah, but it doesn't do much for our standings when it comes to stuff like human rights and all." 

"So?! It's only human rights, for Gackt's sake." 

"...Gackt?" 

"Shut up. Anyhow, Tsukasa isn't human, it doesn't apply to him." 

"Yes he is, and yes it does. Tsukasa is a dear friend of ours and we will treat him as such, yes? 

"...No." 

"...YES." 

"NO!" 

"YES!" 

"NO!" 

"Guys? Why so loud?" 

"TSUKASA RUN. HE'LL DO ALL SORTS OF ILLEGAL THINGS TO YOU. APPARENTLY YOU DON'T FIT IN UNDER THE TERM 'HUMAN' AND THEREFORE THE HUMAN RIGHTS ACT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU." 

"OSHIT." 

"...But... I only wanted to fuck you senseless, just like any other night..." 

"Awww... How can I resist that pout?" 

"...Easily, friggen... Damned... Fuckin...." 

"Oh shut up, grumpy guts." 

"….Where did my mango go?" 

 

\--- 

 

"Ok, who the fuck gave Hiroto Red Bull?" Saga growled as he entered the Alice Nine practice studio where Nao was going through the day's schedule with Shou and Tora. 

"OH FUCK HE DRANK MY RED BULL?" the vocalist growled. "I was looking forward to drinking it! We're out of soy milk and that was the last can of Red Bull" he whined. 

"Stop complaining! It's your fault for leaving it within reach and it's not you who'll have to de-hyperize the squirrel!" Tora glared as he got up to find his fellow guitarist. 

"I feel almost sorry for him" Saga said as he looked after the tiger, Nao nodding agreeingly. 

"What about me? I'm without anything drinkable to drink!" Shou exclaimed. 

"You know what, I could make you some fresh mango juice" Nao said in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I just bought a whole bunch, they're at the backroom right beside my foot massager" 

"Thanks, I'd really appreciate that" Shou smiled. 

"Did I ever tell you you're hot when you're being considerate?" Saga asked Nao, brushing some strands of hair away from his face. 

The drummer blushed and shrugged, hurrying towards the back room to fetch some mangoes. 

"You're very evil, you know that?" Shou asked the bassist. "You know he likes you" 

Saga shrugged. "Well, it's his own fault for thinking I'm straight and just teasing. I'm trying to give him a message here" 

Shou opened his mouth to give a sharp reply but closed it again as they heard a horrified scream from the back room, the voice belonging to the band leader. 

"the fuck" Saga muttered as he hurried towards the room "Nao! What happened?" 

Nao appeared to actually be very much okay…. Except for the fact that he was on his knees, trembling and with tears in his eyes. As Saga kneeled down beside him Nao looked up with the most desperately lost eyes the brunette'd ever seen. 

"M-my Foot massager" he sobbed. "it's g-gone!" 

And so were all the mangoes. 

 

\--- 

 

"Miya…" 

"mmh yeah, Tatsurou, what is it?" 

"I think I forgot to lock the door last night." 

"alrigh-wait.. WHAT?" Miya leaped to his feet, horrified. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS? WHERE IS HE?" 

Tatsurou coughed and rubbed the back of his neck, refusing to meet Miya's eyes. "Well.. you see, that's the problem…" 

"Don't tell me…" 

"Yup… I have no idea where he is." 

Miya looked like he was about to explode… or, on the other hand, Miya usually looked like he was about to explode when he was angry. This was worse. Way worse. Miya was about to implode. 

"Do you have ANY idea of what kind of catastrophe's you've possibly caused?" 

"Yes Miya, I'm fairly sure I know just what he's capable of" 

"Then how could you be so careless?" the bandleader sighed and rubbed his temples. "Just… just tell me, when was the last time you saw him?" 

"That would be…" Tatsurou checked his watch… and noticed for the umpteenth time that he never did buy that watch on his birthday seven years ago. "uhm… last night?" 

"WOAH!" Satochi's awed yell could be heard from the recording studio. The two men looked at each other alarmed and then hurried to find their drummer. NOTHING good ever happened when Satochi was in awe. 

And just as they'd expected, they were met with an incredible and most of all frightening sight. 

"Hey guys, look! I found a foot massager!" Satochi exclaimed where he was sitting, on a mountain of mangoes and a baby girl under his arm. 

"Oh, and by the way I locked Yukke in that closet over there" he pointed towards the tiny cupboard where they usually stashed cables and other electronic equipment. "I mean, who on earth was careless enough to forget to lock the door? He could've done some real damage" Satochi giggled. 

Tatsurou and Miya just stared, the band leader becoming more and more pale by the minute. The vocalist however was grinning from ear to ear. 

"Look!" he cheered. "Isn't that Teruki from Antic Cafe?" 

"WHERE IS MY BABY? WHERE IS LOVELIE?" Miyavi howled as he ran though the entrance to the recording room. 

"MANGO!" Yukke yelled from the cupboard. 

Miya imploded 

 

 

 

\--- 

"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Gackt whined from wherever else on the earth he was hiding.


End file.
